Just touching her fingers was an invitation, seeing her there was a call that I could not repress, her gaze seemed to want to reach the sky. The white light was reflected on her face, a face like the one I had never seen, with peace, with calm, without the concern of the days to come, she asked for nothing, she offered nothing.
She is there, on the altar, an offering with nothing profane, I was not capable of breaking such holy silence, I held my breath as long as I could in order to try to reach her own nirvana, but my pulse full of life made me so close and so far, I was flushed and she very natural. I was ashamed of myself because I knew that I was facing the greatest demonstration of life that I had ever seen.
I didn’t dare to look at her body but something inside of me screamed to possess it, to take it, because when I was like this I couldn’t reach her.
There was no noise, there were no promises. I told her that I loved her but she remained unscathed, better that way, because I really didn’t love her, I just wanted her… maybe that’s why she didn’t answer me, for a moment I thought she would reproach me for my lie, but her pearly smile told me otherwise.
She was enjoying the game as much as I was, although everything told me that I had to hurry up, I didn’t want to pounce on her like a beast on its prey, this moment had to be enjoyed and savored, it was a banquet served on porcelain; the sacred wine had already been extracted from her but in me, it accumulated and throbbed, there was no room for fear, there is no infidelity in perfection.
I asked myself if I was happy and only now did I know what it was to be master and lord of a love, a pure and unhurried love, and at last, I knew what happiness was, I was touching it with my own hands and I was shaping the abstract
But it was something that would go with me, the world is not prepared for so much and for so little, I had the truth in front of me and it only brought me more questions. I felt panic, about not being up to the task, of not giving the same thing that I was receiving, because it is a law, because it is written.
Even so, I took it, without haste, with a bit of clumsiness at first since I didn’t want to spoil the moment, but then I couldn’t think of anything else, this was what I had waited for so long, what I had kept in my chest for so many years at the bottom of my heart now it belonged to me and it seemed like a dream, I still remember it as through a mist. My hands still keep her texture, I knew her hills and her valleys, the sky of her mouth opened before me every time I possessed her and it was like knowing the most intimate thing that she could have shown to me, her best-kept secret… and I succumbed, before her… inside of her!
Minutes later I returned to the sad reality, that I had to leave her, forget her, and break the moorings, that it was our hello and goodbye because this was our farewell and she… should be buried tomorrow.
J.D.R 09/09/2010